Schoolboy77

2007-09-22T04:29:00.000-07:00

Merrell white nurses shoes $90. Never worn in public except to walk my dog at night. The guy who sold them to me said that nurses in NYC wear them and clock thousands of miles each year in them. Since when have I been a nurse?
1981 Subaru GL Wagon, $550. I really wanted this car because it was the car I wanted my pair to buy when we lived in Stowe, because every other family had a Subaru wagon. The driver's side door was the only one that actually worked. The hood would not close properly and on the car's maiden voyage the hood flew open, caught the wind and smashed back into the windshield. I sold it 1 month later for $175.
Kastinger alpine boots: $170 – my feet in a vice. Worn a few times and discarded for a pair of rubber caulked boots I found in a trailer.
1981 Chevy Van; I traded this for my Chevy K5 Blazer. A musty, unsafe, van. It was never insured under my ownership. I sold it for $600 so I could go to London and doss on someone’s couch for 2 weeks. That summer the K5 selfcombusted while loaded with the owners entire belongings (he was moving houses), destroying everything he owned.
Edun Jeans €105; that they were designed by Bono’s relatives apparently impressed me. They were tight in all the wrong places and flared at the cuff. Worn 3 times before being discarded. Note to self: stick with mainstream jeans
1981 Cadillac $600: this purchase is made worse because of all the signs that were screaming at me not to buy it. When I looked at the engine it was covered in motor oil. The seller appeared to be a criminal. That I had to borrow money from my student roomate to buy the car makes it even worse.
The dozens of books and CDs I have bought but have never read and will likely never read-estimated $500;
1998 Andre Ziltener Clos du Vougeot Bourgogne,$100. purchased at the winery itself, it was, like so many bourgoghnes, a gamble. We opened it at Joie, surrounded by a bunch of sommeliers and chefs, with high expectations. Thin and tastless. Quite simply, it sucked.
The self-help books I am too embarrassed to name here; estimate $100. Only when you read more than a few of them to you realise they are all the same book, just repackaged.
On2.com Technology stock; $1800. Purchased February 2000. Can you say “great timing”?

2007-02-24T06:58:00.000-08:00

Last week I was skyping with Chris about The Police's upcoming world tour. He had just scored 2 in the reds for their Montreal show, finding the tickets on eBay. I have not heard about a Dublin date yet, but hope they do make it over here.

We got to talking about the plethora of tours by bands who really should just hang it up (are you listening, Roger Daltrey?) and how this contrasted with the decision by The Police to regroup for a world tour.

Many bands stay together for the money and keep touring solely for the money. Well past their prime, the reasons for carrying on likely have more to do with college fees than the desire to "see a million faces, and rock them all."

The Police, Chris argued, were a band that never should have broken up. They had just released a fantastic album and launched an even more successful world tour. (My older brother Jamie went to the concert at the Olympic Stadium, to many everlasting envy.) Yes, Sting had a successful solo career to pursue, but they left a huge vacuum in the music world.

A vacuum that I argued was filled by U2. Up until their fourth release, The Unforgettable Fire, U2 had never fulfilled their commercial promise to their record label, Island Records. At my high school, only the cool kids who were up on new music listened to U2 before 1984, but after The Unforgettable Fire, every kid in chess club had a U2 pin on their blazer.

This could not have happened had The Police not been an alternative to Michael Jackson.

2007-02-18T06:58:00.000-08:00

Given the infrequency with which I post on this blog, I often wonder why I even bothered to post at all over the last 6 years. I have few regular readers, and even fewer comments. I suppose, however, that I have gotten from this blog all that I put in, which was occassionally very little.

When we moved to Dublin last year, I set up a typepad account, really just so I could track who was coming to my blog and from where. How vain.

But on those days at work when I stare out into the M50 from my glass cage and wonder why I am here, I sometimes scroll through my old posts and find a gem that perfectly captured something I was feeling years ago.

I have since cancelled the typepad account, and added this blog to irishblogs.ie.

2006-12-24T13:41:00.001-08:00

My year in cities 2006

A list of the cities I visited this year (multiple visits with a*).

Montreal*
Atlanta
Maidenhead*
Aylesbury
Cork
Paris*
Toulouse
Arles
St Affrique
Bilthoven
Amsterdam
London*

2006-11-26T12:33:00.000-08:00

Much speculation has been made of the kind of wedding my sister Christina would have, most of it predicting that it would be one loud shaker. Christina and Josh did not disappoint. Having been to many weddings I can confidently say this one was the best wedding ever. The crowd, the food, the music, the location; it all came together, like the perfect salad, as Steve Rubell used to say. I think you can judge a wedding by how many people are still dancing at 2am, and when the band pulled the plug at 2am in the McCord Museum, the dance floor was shoulder to shoulder and everyone was screaming for just one more song.

It's not easy to get all 6 of my family on the dance floor but Good Time Charlie did it, perhaps for the first time in my life. I think it was during "500 Miles" that I looked around and saw Christina and Michael, Jamie and my parents all getting jiggy wit it. Normally I'd be kind of embarassed or self-concious, but I guess I have moved past that. it was a celebration, so we were celebrating. Anya and I danced all night, my glass of MacCallan always stowed close by on a table. I think I even got all emotional at the end of the night, after too much whisky. normally, i don't drink it to excess, but since Josh and Tina were laying out the 12 year-old, what was I supposed to do, drink Ex all night?

The speeches were short but heartfelt and genuine, the cake was fantastic and the overall feeling of joy lasted much longer than the hangover. even this cynic is still warmed by the afterglow.

2006-11-11T13:28:00.000-08:00

The traffic in Dublin today was ridiculous for a Saturday. The mad gridlock was fodder for my theory about Dubliners all doing the same thing at the same time. If you want to drive anywhere easily then get up early.

I have lost my interest in driving and I think I now prefer to be chauffered around. One thing I love about visiting our UK office is that the new car service usually has a late model Mercedes waiting for me when I get to Heathrow. Now if they could pick me up in a 1977 450 SEL 6.9, that would really be something.

2006-11-11T13:12:00.000-08:00

Inconsistency

Due to November being NaBloPoMo, (something I discovered after the contest started so i could not join anyway, I made and effort to post every day. I think I lasted 2 days.

Max is becoming addicted to the DVDs that I play for him on Saturday mornings. I don't want him to be a TV addict like I was, but I also want to read the FT on Saturday and having him staring into the iMac is the easy answer.

His favorite is Pingu, a clever claymation series about a rambunctious young penguin. Just uttering two words from the title song is enough to make him run to the bookshelf and point at the top shelf, shouting "Beenguuu!". The title song is catchy and it is actually quite creative.

The close second is a collection of Sesame Street songs, catchy numbers which stick in my head all day. One of the videos features Ernie in a bath tub of naked men, with a cow in a shower cap.

2006-11-07T23:57:00.000-08:00

Mmmmmmmm

I love it when a plan comes together.

How Little Perm Got His Name

2006-11-06T12:20:00.000-08:00

How Little Perm Got His Name
Originally uploaded by andrew s.

We called him Little Perm because after his daily bath in this here baby bath thing, Max's normally straight hair would curl into a wavy mat. Not quite a real perm but a little curvy anway.

Instead of Big Perm, I mean Big Worm, the drug dealer in the flim Friday, I called him Little Perm.

This was later shortened to "LP", and then finally to simply "Perm" or "The Perm".

2006-11-06T03:51:00.000-08:00

Thumbs Down!

Wimbledon was a low-grade rom-com from the start. While I liked the male lead, Kristen Dunst was just too annoying to watch.

Somehow, I managed to avoid peeling myself off the couch to escape its reach into my brain, dumbing me down on a Sunday night.

Who knows what tasks lay uncompleted or problems unsolved due to the movies inane but enaging plot.

2006-11-05T01:02:00.000-08:00

I meant to write this yesterday, or at least last night after we came home from the pub, but I just went straight to bed. With Anya's mom visiting, we are trying to get as much cinema and pub-going in as is possible in the span of 1 week.

We saw two more films yesterday, Borat and Little Children. Borat is the funniest movie I have seen in a very long time, perhaps since I saw Naked Gun in 1990. Little Children was a black and bleak look into the pain and suffering lurking beneath the veneer of American suburban life similar in style to American Beauty.

Dundrum is a funny place on a Saturday night.

2006-11-03T12:23:00.000-08:00

So the other night Anya and I are watching The Departed, about the Irish mob in Boston, surrounded by Irish people in Dundrum Cinemas. It was funny watching a film with so many references to Boston Irish-ness; dingy pubs, peodophile priests, drunk fathers, bad hair, bleak outlook, from the very place where these references were drawn.

I had a hard time holding in my glee during the extremely violent scenes. I think I laugh because I am so shocked by the candid knee-capping and head shots. Sometimes I am aware of it while I am doing, but in the dark, crowded theatre I just let the laughter fly.

2005-12-19T20:34:00.000-08:00

Ambitious as I was when I set out to complete the list of things to do before leaving Vancouver, I did have the expectation I would achieve more than the few items I actually completed. Things I thought were important became trivial when examined. What really mattered was saying goodbye to people, especially my family.

Vancouver was never meant to be a permanent stop for me, just like Whistler and Victoria, places I languished because I could never make a decsision to leave. I came here to be with a woman that I eventually married, so you could say the time was well spent. I worked for an incredible company that grew from $180 million to $1 billion in annual revenue.

I also started this blog, after being inspired by sylloge in the summer of 2001. Schoolboy77 was just a way for me to express my smartass opinion not be held accountable to it. For the few people that actually read it, I hope it has been worth the effort.

On this coming Friday, I will get into a taxi at noon, which will take me to Vancouver Airport. I will board a plane bound for Montreal, to spend Christmas with my family. From Montreal, I will leave for Dublin, Ireland. I do not know when I will return.

This reminds me of something I have always wanted to post, so I am going to say it here. On my wedding day, as guests were arriving in the minutes before the ceremony was to begin, I first met Peggy and Gary McShane, who were friends of Anya's mother.

Before I could introduce myself to Gary, he said to me:

You're about to make a huge mistake. I can drive you to the airport instead.
There is a 630 flight bound for Paris. From Paris, you can take a train to
Marseilles tomorrow morning. From Marseilles you can take a bus to
Aubagne. Get off in the city square, walk left past the church, turn right
and walk up the hill, where you will find the headquarters for the French
Foreign Legion. Don't say I didn't warn you.

No 18 Completed

2005-11-19T13:34:00.000-08:00

Carhop Combo
Originally uploaded by andrew s.

Despite my recent need to exercise (brought on by the perceived sudden increase in the tightness of my pants) I ventured up to the White Spot in the pouring rain for a Triple O. This frees me from ever having to eat one of these before I leave.

Also accomplished on my list:

No 5: Canucks vs Columbus Blue Jackets, Nov 4th. Boring game, no fights, great seats.

No 18: Stay at the Wall Centre with Anya.
We had two dates in one night, watched movies and enjoyed each other without the distraction of the Little Perm.

No 33: Eat at Simply Thai
The drearier the day, the more I crave Simply Thai. The waitress brought Sukhi and I a candle for our table, as one of our co-workers told her it was our "anniversary". I overheard her say, "the Indian doesn't look gay, but the other one could be." I'll take it as a compliment.

2005-10-23T20:34:00.000-07:00

43 Things to Do Before Leaving Vancouver

Yes, it is true. In January, Anya and I will be moving to Ireland. As my days here are now numbered, I am feeling the pressure to do all of the things that I wanted to do but never did. Why rush if I have my whole life?

Well now I have only until January 6th, and I'll be away for at least 2 weeks during this countdown. This has led me to write my list of things to do, so I can actually get them done.

In no particular order, here are my last wishes:

Eat at Bishop's
Run along the seawall
Eat a slice of Nat's chorizo & mushroom pizza
Eat gelato from Mondo Gelato immediately following pizza
Stay at the Wall Centre Hotel with Anya
Run up the Grouse Grind for the first time
Eat brunch at Bacchus
Run through Pacific Spirit Park
Walk along Spanish Banks at Sunset
Walk along English Bay at Sunset
Watch the Christmas boats float by
Take the water taxi from Yaletown to Granville Island
Kayak in Indian Arm
See a Canucks game
Go to a sports bar and cheer for the Canadiens
Have a drink at the Cambie
Eat at Subeez and have them get my order right, bring my food at the same time as my companions and do it under 1 hour
Eat a Triple-O Carhop Classic
Drive through Whalley
Walk along the beach in White Rock
Sit in Duthie's Books and read for 2 hours
Have a 3 hour lunch and never come back to the office
Visit Westwood Plateau to see how they live
Visit Maple Ridge
Say goodbye in person to all the people who became my friends here
Relive my Friday after-work ritual under the Cambie St bridge
Drop by and say Hi at Maximizer
Sit at my old desk at 840 Cambie and watch the hairdressers across the alley
Eat a roast beef and stilton sandwich at Moonpennies
Lounge on the furniture at Inform
Stay up all night and walk home in the rain
Have lunch special and Vitamin Os at the Trap and Gill
Eat at Simply Thai
Run at Burnaby Lake
Host my own farewell party
Wear my Grateful Dead shirt out of the house
Rent a karaoke booth with my sales team
Eat a Yaletown roll at Honjin
Sit in the garden at Queen Elizabeth Park
Spend hours walking around downtown with nothing but caffeine and euros, knowing that I might only be back for vacations
Walk across the Lion's Gate Bridge
Rent a cruiser bike and cycle along the seawall
Cruise Robson St on a Saturday night playing Rush at top volume

2005-10-10T10:41:00.000-07:00

The great thing about taking a vacation to do nothing is that you get to do nothing. Last week I was in the mood to do absolutely that: sweet fuck all. Waking meant that caffeine would soon be injected into my system, followed a few hours later by a nap. If I felt up to it, I visited a winery or went on a short hike. If not, I stayed in and watched Dave Chappelle and Ali I was so relaxed by the end of our 6 days in Naramata, that I was actually too relaxed to go to work on Friday.

This is a departure from the action-packed vacations I am used to; itineraries filled with activities every day from morning until night. I think I am by nature a slow traveller. Along with the slow food movement, there is now a slow travel movement.

Now the batteries are recharged and I am ready to get down to business for the next 3 months. It’s going to be busy, it’s going to be tough, but it’s going to be blogged.

After a relaxing Friday at work, the Whale beat the Inferno 5-1. I went home after the game and found that Anya had arranged for her mom to babysit while we walked up the street to the PNE forum to see if we could get tickets to Arcade Fire.

The show had sold out almost immediately, and there were no scalpers to be seen. I was ready to give up and go home, but Anya had that determined look that meant she wasn’t going without turning over every rock. Out of nowhere appeared a man with a beer gut, track pants and high top running shoes and a fanny pack, the scalper uniform.

Anya negotiated him down to just 125% of the face value. The show was fantastic, and vaulted instantly to my top 5 shows of all time.

There are some photos of the show here.

After playing two encores, the band snaked through the crowd carrying various percussion instruments (Regine had her accordion) and played Kiss Off, by Violent Femmes. Then they non-chalantly ran the gauntlet of applause back the stage and were off.

2005-10-04T09:49:00.000-07:00

After an usually anti-climactic quarter end, Anya and I escaped Vancouver for Naramata, where we have settled for the week at Elephant Island Winery.

Our plan is to do nothing.

The morning after arriving we discovered we had a strong wireless connection, which gives us something to do in lieu of watching Dave Chappelle episodes.

Chris and Lu were up here too, staying at their friends Heidi and Michael's agriturismo ranch, just a short walk through the orchard from our own lodging. Anya and Lu had been planning a dinner for weeks, and Heidi and Michael were happy to have them take over the kitchen, as long as it meant not having to cook for anyone else.

Anya brought two wines we picked up in France in 2001. Sadly, the burgundy confirmed our suspicions at the time that we were in a tourist trap. The Bordeaux, which we picked blindly in some wine shop in Paris, compensated for the incredibly thin and pricey Burgundy.

Our appetizer was a goat cheese and red pepper strudel, followed by a roasted eggplant and tomato ratatouille-like thing. The main course was lamb chops, followed by blueberry pie and my own Euro dessert, for the perfect ending.

2005-09-04T22:43:00.000-07:00

Dude

See, this Lebowski, he called himself "The Dude". Now, "Dude" - there's a name no man would self-apply where I come from. But then there was a lot about the Dude that didn't make a whole lot of sense.

While kayaking through Desolation Sound years ago, Chris kept telling me to stop saying the word “dude”. “You’re never going to get a job as a manager if you keep saying dude all the time.”

He was right that I was overusing the term. In my defence, I used it mostly for punctuation or as a salutation. I would begin I sentence with it, for example, “Dude, you have to paddle harder”. I have never used it as like a surfer describing the morning’s swells; “duuuuuuude it was gnarly out there.” No elongated pronunciation for me. Just a quick monosyllabic interjection, nothing more.

I also use the term “dude” to describe the character of another man. If someone asks me about the nature of another man, I may describe them as a “dude”, meaning they have integrity and are a stand up guy. At work, a dude means someone who can get it done, but is still an authentic and original person. One cannot be obsequious and be a dude, just as a dude cannot be weak or foolish. A dude makes it happen, a dude gets it done, but they do it without selling out.

Ray Nagin is a dude.

A Perfect Binding

2005-08-25T20:25:00.000-07:00

A Perfect Binding
Originally uploaded by andrew s.

Last Friday night, Anya and I attended Scott and Leilah’s wedding. On a beautiful Vancouver summer evening, in a setting that evoked the binding of two cultures, Middle Eastern and middle-class Canadian, I was profoundly moved by the expression of love from both the guests and the newlyweds.

In the afterglow of the event, Anya and I were relating to each other about how it was one of the best weddings we had ever attended. This started me thinking about what makes a wedding great. What makes the difference between a wedding you never want to end and one where you want to jump for the door at the first excuse? What is that we seek at weddings, if in fact we are there for reasons other than guilt or the fact that we are related to one of the people being married?

The first factor in greatness, I think, is your relation to the couple, and how positive you feel they are the perfect match for each other. The type and number of guests is also a critical factor. It has to be the right mix of young and old, relatives and friends. You need to have older relatives that keep partying late into the evening. Scott and Leilah have lived and worked in different parts of the world, and picked up friends from many different countries, and so the guests were a cosmopolitan mix. There were guests from Australia, Wales, England, all over the US, Japan, Belgium and France. Throughout the different nooks and spaces of Cecil Green you could hear bouquets of conversation floating through the hot night air.

You could feel the love and happiness everyone felt for the couple, which contributed to what I consider the most important factor of a great wedding: the event must be a celebration of love and life. To witness the outpouring of love and sincere happiness for two people is so rare, that we are compelled to make such an event a celebration.

Think about what a miracle it is for all the actions and consequences to occur and result in attending such a joyous event. Just what are the chances of two people finding each other in this world? How many events occurred and how many decisions were made that led to us being here? Leilah’s father is from Baghdad; Scott’s father emigrated from Scotland. Since both of them have traveled all over the world it is quite possible they could have met someone else.

The rarity of makes you appreciate it when it happens, and so we must celebrate it. It is seldom that you feel good about yourself just to have been connected to these people, knowing that in some small way you may have contributed, unknowingly, and many years ago, to the genesis of this event. It made me feel that I must have done something right to be sitting here feeling the love all around us.

2005-06-03T07:12:00.000-07:00

The Genius of Scott McIntyre and the Neo-Con Agenda of George Lucas

Scott proves once again that his Masters in War Studies has not been wasted, in this searing indictment of George Lucas' ignorance of military strategy and his secret neo-con agenda.

2005-05-31T07:38:00.000-07:00

One more post for the month of May, which, IMHO, is the best time of the year. The days are along and still getting longer, my birthday is on the 26th of the month, and there is a notable absence of anniversaries of disasters or unhappy events.

I have been busy reading The Power of Full Engagement, which is probably the best book I have ever read on personal performance or development. That is quite a statement for me, someone who has been described as "addicted to self-help books". The main theme of the book is that managing energy, not time, is the key to performance.

When reading over many of my old posts, I noticed an appalling number of grammatical and spelling errors. I had written much lucid and sparkling prose, but it was pock-marked with errors.

I had written almost all of the posts late at night, right before I went to bed. Energy was at the lowest point during the day, yet there I was trying to write my blog and notice the mistakes.

In Full Engagement, I learned that almost all of the industrial accidents of the twentieth century, (Three Mile Island, Bhopal, Chernobyl, Exxon Valdez) occurred on the night shift and were a direct result of workers on the night shift being over tired. I was too tired to blog, yet didn't know it, and was steering my blog into a reef.

Who know who could have read it and dismissed me as a ponce for all my spelling mistakes?

2005-04-22T23:06:00.000-07:00

For the past few days I have been in our quarterly sales meetings downtown, after having been confined to Yaletown for months. This gave me the chance to go to Caffe Artigiano on my way to the conference from the bus stop. Their coffee is better than any caffe brew I have tasted. And when I forgot my sunglasses there after having a coffee this afternnon, they actually had them set aside and were waiting for me to call when I didl.

2005-04-06T21:58:00.000-07:00

The death of Pope John Paul II caused millions of Catholics (and some non-Catholics) to examine the role of faith in their lives. Of these millions, many are like myself, those who describe themselves as "raised Catholic", who are now pondering the effects of years of Catholic school and weekly indoctrination to the faith.

While in high school, I was exposed to massive amounts of propaganda concerning euthanasia, contraception and abortion. Most of this came in grade 10 at the hands of a man named Father Brennan.

Father Rob, as he liked to be called, took itupon himself to show our class a video-taped abortion procedure, and graphic photos of fetus-filled garbage cans. The video was below B-movie horror quality and the photos were laughably phony. As if hospitals have garbage cans filled with fetuses that look just like babies.

We called him 1-800-Brennan, because every week he had some story about a girl who was killed in a motorcycle wreck, or some abused girl who slashed her wrists; whatever the situation, Father Rob was always the first call the grief-stricken parents made, sometimes even before calling for the ambulance.

His best story ever was about his time in the Philippines. He was living in some tiny village, and his church was in another village about 15 minutes away by foot. One morning, Brennan found that the usual route between the two villages had been overrun with poison-spitting frogs, forcing 1-800-Brennan to take a lengthy detour and causing him to be late for saying Mass. Good thing too, because when he got to the church, he had just missed Marcos' death squads, which had slaughtered his parishioners.

Telling us this story was his way of saying don't fuck with me.

2005-03-29T20:34:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been thinking about how email can be a drag on productivity, rather than a boost. As one of our management coaches said, some people make a career out of simply responding to emails. It would certainly occupy your whole day.

Whenever I send a meeting request to my sales team, I monitor the response rate. The same 3 or 4 people respond almost immediately every time. The same 2 people usually ignore me, and the other 4 trickle in over the course of a few hours.

The quick response rate I attribute to Attention Deficit Trait, a new syndrome diagnosed by Dr. Edward Hallowell. At any one time, most of my team will be speaking on the phone, typing an email, surfing the web and carrying on at least one instant messenger conversation, so my email requests never come at a time when they are completely idle.

I agree with Hallowell's reasons about its ineffectiveness and why people find it addictive:

No one really multitasks. You just spend less time on any one thing. When it looks like you're multitasking--you're looking at one TV screen and another TV screen and you're talking on the telephone--your attention has to shift from one to the other. You're brain literally can't multitask. You can't pay attention to two things simultaneously. You're switching back and forth between the two. So you're paying less concerted attention to either one.
I think in general, why some people can do well at what they call multitasking is because the effort to do it is so stimulating. You get adrenaline pumping that helps focus your mind. What you're really doing is focusing better at brief spurts on each stimulus. So you don't get bored with either one.

Full interview is here.

After having slagged my team on this issue, I must come clean as being the worst starter of tasks that never get completed.

2005-03-24T20:05:00.000-08:00

The Little Dog Barks Loudest in the Presence of its Master

It is typical for IT people to want to impress their superiors. Everybody wants to impress the boss. What bothers me, though, is when we're all in agreement about what is going to happen, and then the IT jerkoffs get all uppity when we have a conference call with the CFO on it, just so they can look like they are saving the company money.

Another example of short term thinking; they are beating us up over $15,000, when being reasonable would save you $100,000 in the long term.

I am glad I am not you

2005-02-23T15:44:00.000-08:00

Finally, a bit of fun
Originally uploaded by Lemon Pie.

What seemed so lucid and true just a few hours ago has now faded into the jumbled chaos of misfiring syanpses.

I empathize with the people in this photo. The comedown comes slowly, and then all of a sudden; 2 hours ago you shared water with everyone, now you care only about your own immediate needs. You were going to conquer the world with love, but now you have to face your job in less than 24 hours, and a whole world of people who have no clue about your weekend enlightenment, and no care to learn about it.

Been there many times, and looking at these people I am reminded of why I retired.

2005-02-21T14:43:00.000-08:00

Hunter S. Thompson 1937-2005

The Good Doctor died yesterday of a self-inlficted gunshout wound. My initial reaction was dibelief that he would go out like that. I thought about it for a minute, and realized that he might have discovered he was ill or that his memory was failing him. He's not the type to kick it in some old folks home, hooked up to a life support system. No, he goes down with guns blazing, even if they are turned on himself.

His impact on me was huge. The little I have written in my life has been influenced heavily by his ability to describe the depravity of life so poignantly.

In 1998, I had just left Whistler and my life as a ski bum, and was struggling to make ends meet in Victoria BC, of all places. Reading The Proud Highway helped me through that period of extreme poverty, self-doubt and self-loathing due to the miserable jobs I was doing. He revelled in his struggle as a writer, and this changed my outlook on my situation. If I could learn to find the humour in having to wake up early and return the empty beer bottles before my roomates, just so i could afford to buy a newspaper, then I would make it through this period. His duress was much worse than mine, given that he had a child at the time and that life as a writer is a perilous living at best.

But what I admired most about him is that he really lived. He didn't hold back anything, he just let fly with whatever he had at the time. Sadly, I regret the times I held back more than the times I let it go without thinking.

I only hope he comes back to haunt us some day.

2005-02-10T20:11:00.000-08:00

It feels like I have been treading water at work the last few weeks. The beginning of the sales year is always hectic; dealing with account turnover, rolling out compensation plans, and implementing new methodologies. (I can't believe I just wrote that.)

Except for one small period in December just before Max was born, the last 12 months have reminded me of trying to swim past the incoming waves to get past the breaks. Every time I get through one wave, I see another one rising up in front of me.

Metaphor for life I suppose. However, this medium is not intended as a repository for my complaints.

This would be funny if it were not so disturbing.

North Korea announced today that it "may" have nuclear weapons, a near certain guarantee the US will decide to invade another country. Totalitarian regimes, however, do produce such humorous propaganda.

2005-02-09T20:05:00.000-08:00

For a few years in the 90s, I was an anglophile. Perhaps it was the overdose of Irvine Welsh, Nick Hornby and Withnail & I, but for some strange reason I had the mad desire to move to London. Because I could not afford to move there, I substituted with contemporay UK fiction, The Face magazine and Blur.

The image I had was sheer fantasy, far from the reality I discovered upon my visits. I imagined stylishly dressed gangsters swaggering about terraced streets smoking Silk Cut cigarettes. What I found on my trips there was thick smoke, bad food, and good friends. Every time I visited, I managed to get sick.

On my last trip, Nic lent me The English, by Jeremy Paxman, eager to dissolve my idealistic vision of England. He had bookmarked a chapter for me, called Meet the Wife.

It is not often you meet someone who has had a bottom transplant. The man in question, jowly, 50ish, balding, in a pinstripe suit and well made shoes, looks the picture of British probity.You know he prides himself that his word is his bond. By day he runs a merchant bank. At night, he likes to be spanked until the blood runs. His obsession has become known as the vice anglais.

This reminded me of one of my favorite passages in one of my favorite books.

You simply can't trust the British. With Americans (or Canadians, for that matter) what you see is what you get. But settle into your seat on a 749 flying out of Heathrow next to an ostensibly boring old Englishman with wobbly chins, the acquired stammer, obviously something in the City, intent on his Times crossword puzzle, and don't you dare patronize him. Mr. Milquetoast, actually a judo black belt, was probably parachuted into the Dordogne in 1943, blew up a train or two, and survived the Gestapo cells by concentrating on what would become the definitive translation of Gilgamesh from the Sin-Leqi-Inninni; and now--his garment bag stuffed with his wife's most alluring cocktail dresses and lingerie--he is no doubt bound for the annual convention of cross-dressers in Saskatoon.

2005-02-08T18:57:00.000-08:00

Cleanse Delayed, but Finally Started

After months of procrastination, I have finally started my master cleanse. The need for this came out of my weeks of handling and inhaling insulation. The need was exacerbated by a Christmas diet of rum, scotch, chocolate and shortbread, combined with zero exercise.

This segued into a four-day sales training course at the Hotel Vancouver, where they served ice cream and candy bars every day for snacks. Dinner was pizza or hamburgers.

Follow this up with a trip to Las Vegas for the annual worldwide sales kickoff, featuring more buffet food, trips to Fat Burger, and all the beer you can drink just about every night for 3 nights.

I sat down on the couch with my maple-lemon-cayenne drink and started to watch the Super Bowl. Just then, Anya sat next to me with chips, salsa, and a beer. "Do you want to order a pizza?" she asked.

So I started the cleanse today. I am unsure how long I will last. I may cut out on the third day to eat fruits and vegetables because I have to play hockey on the weekend.

Hockey first, health later.

2005-01-27T19:32:00.000-08:00

Being a sales manager, you get to hear every excuse that could possibly exist. However, the best excuse I have ever heard about anything, was from my brother on why he had not cleaned up the mess he made upon returning from treeplanting with all his gear.

It went something like this: "John, you have to understand that you're dealing with someone who has been on acid for three days."

2005-01-16T19:19:00.000-08:00

Via Scott, (it's almost always via Scott), an announcement regarding the death of hipsters. Rest assured that hipsterism will live a long and fruitful life in Vancouver, where trucker hats are still in.

2005-01-09T18:52:00.000-08:00

Exhaustion

After having spent the last two weeks sitting at home taking care of the new one or sitting in a conference room being fed cinnamon buns 4 times daily, it was little surprise that my performance on the ice last Friday night was confused and desperate. My chaotic attempts at hockey were, however, easily hidden by the laziness and general lethargy of the rest of my teammates, who had also subsisted over the last 2 weeks on chocolate, shortbread and alcohol.

Somehow I was credited with an assist, although I am sure I had little to do with anything good my team accomplished. Four weeks off from hockey is just too long a break for this novice.

2005-01-02T21:02:00.000-08:00

2004

This weekend we spent many hours poring over 2004 lists; top movies, top books, worst fashion trends; it seemed almost every publication had some list from which to distill the essence of 2004.

The last year was probably the most tumultuous since I became “gainfully employed” in 1998.

I had 3 managers and 16 different sales reps reporting to me. I was transferred from one region to another. I was mistaken many times for Andrew Webb, Andrew Brown, Andrew Lee, and Andrew DiManno, and thus forced to change my email alias. I survived a technology company merger.I had 3 different addresses. I spent a fortune on renovating a house in East Vancouver. I became a father.

My resolutions for this year:

Watch less TV (watch no reality TV)
Drink more wine
Worry less
Laugh more
Take time each day to be grateful for what I have
Write in this blog 3 times a week
Say hello to strangers
Refrain from criticizing people
Laugh at myself

2004-12-31T17:59:00.000-08:00

Maxwell

I have been meaning to write this for a while, but other things have gotten in the way, like not sleeping for days at a time. Every time I have sat down to write there has been something else to do.

Max arrived at 228 am on December 24th. Anya and I stayed in the hospital until noon on Christmas Day, when we drove home with our Christmas present.

I took the week off from work to help Anya recover and to get used to the new one who now rules our schedule. As there is little else to do besides sleep and feed baby, we have watched a tremendous amount of television, mostly CBC Newsworld covering the tsunami disaster. I keep telling Anya that it does no good to watch this disaster non-stop.

2004-12-16T19:36:00.000-08:00

Back from the Dark

Early December has always reminded me of the assasination of John Lennon. I will always remember where I was when I learned that Lennon was murdered. I was in Vermont, where our parents had dragged us while my father was working in South Burlington. Our father was living in Burlington at the time and we were in Stowe, in an area called The Hollow

We had just turned on Cronkite at 7pm, when the phone rang. It was Teddy Grennan calling, who told me that Lennon was dead.

Last Wednesday I thought about Teddy, as the anniversary of Lennon's death always reminds me of that phone call. I searched for him in Google, managing to find one picture. But I kept looking. I searched under his cousin's name, and discovered that sadly, he had died in a car wreck in BC this last September. As sad as this made me feel, the comments left by friends and family made me feel that he had lived a great life and made so many happy.

Well, come on, I can't be cyncial ass all the time.

This weather is really getting me down. Every time I get in my car, I realize that I only ever drive during the dark, even if it is 730am or 4pm. Since I started bringing my lunch to work, I hardly ever see the outside world during the dim grey period of 7 hours that we call "daylight".

I need to get out of here, and I know that I won't be able to do it.

2004-12-02T16:39:00.000-08:00

I have long felt that the climate of a place breeds a certain temperament, and during CBC's Canadiana lovefest documentary, this idea was shared by Bruce Mau. He used the example of settlers digging in for their first Canadian winter. Imagine what went through their minds as the temperature plummeted to -20 and the snow never stopped for weeks?

Getting ready for winter wasn't simply a matter of stocking up on supplies. If your roof leaked or your house was not ready, you weren't uncomfortable, you were dead. Not enough food? Starve to death. Wrong clothing? Dead. Get drunk and fall asleep outside? Dead. Having your shit together was a matter of survival.

Imagine then, the relief when whitey discovered the west coast. Nothing but temperate rain forest and mild winters. Get drunk, pass out and wake up in the morning, wet but still living. Whereas the harsh winters in the East required the settlers to plan carefully and live in fear of death, the mild weather here in Vancouver resulted in complacency. A little more creativity but a whole lot more sloth.

i wouldn't trade it for anything.

2004-11-28T20:27:00.000-08:00

I have almost finished reading Good to Great, which contains some entertaining anecdotes about once-powerful companies which subsequently turned to dust. One such company was Bethlehem Steel, which chose to build its new headquarters in the shape of a cross, so that it could provide a corner office for it numerous VPs.

This reminded me of how when I was a child, I thought I wanted to be a "businessman". I imagined that a businessman had only to get the right education, know the right people and work at the right company and then all you had to do was show up at the office, and everything else took care of itself. As a "businessman" you made decisions that others acted upon. You didn't do any actual work, you just sat at a desk all day and received phone calls.

It turns out that Bethlehem Steel would have been a perfect fit for me at the age of 8. Alas, the business culture of the 1970s is no more, which is probably a good thing. But can you imagine the sheer joy of smoking in your workplace?

2004-11-23T19:49:00.000-08:00

Bonjour le Weekend

It was Grey Cup Weekend here in Canada last weekend, with Toronto and Vancouver facing off for the oldest professional sports title in North America. The competition between the two cities sparked off the usual ridiculous comparisons between the two cities; Toronto is ugly, polluted and too focussed on making money, while Vancouver is lazy, shiftless and hopelessly idealistic.

CBC Radio was talking up the games each morning, which I listened to on my drive to work. One morning featured a city councillor from each city boasting about why their city was better. The Vancouver councillor touched on the familiar themes of Vancouver's superiority: its mountains, the ocean, the islands, the wildlife, in short, things that were here millions of years ago and have nothing do with the accomplishments of Vancouver's citizens.

This is what Vancouverites usually boast about during their endless comparisons with larger cities. But we're cleaner! We're more beautiful! Yes, but that has nothing do with you've done with your life. At least in Toronto they never had a chance to be beautiful, and are doing the best with what they have.

The game itself was interesting until late in the match, after Vancouver embarassed itself by letting the play clock run out not once, but twice on a 2 point conversion attempt, only to botch the ensuing 22 yard convert kick.

Michael was cheering for Toronto, as he wanted Pinball Clemons to win the Cup, and he wanted the Vancouver media to have nothing about which to bitch for the next few weeks, given the current stalemate in the NHL.

Speaking of the NHL, Rob predicts the players will eventually capitulate under financial pressure. Going from $5 million a year to nothing is quite a shock for someone with a grade 9 education, and many of the players are just "one bad restaurant chain away from bankruptcy."

The Vancouver media has indeed run out of things to talk about, so they are making small issues into class and race wars. One friend of ours was on the radio defending the condo owners who led the charge to enact the odor law. He deftly avoided the interviewers attempts to portray him as a racist, stating that it's not the kind of food odor, it is the intensity and the duration of the nuisance. The interviewer thanked him at the end of it, and Ken, in his posh English accented muttered only one word, "right".

2004-11-15T09:59:00.000-08:00

Ha Ha!

2004-11-11T16:06:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the delay. I wrote earlier about July being a busy month, but October was even worse. Anya and I began the renovations on our new East Van slum, in an effort to turn it into a decent family home. I even took a few days off work to do menial labour, as I don't like to pay trades people their hourly rates to take out trash. Leave that to an expert like me, who has acutally worked as a "garbologist".

As expected, the plumbing and electrical ended up costing way more than we forecast, which required us to leave the basement unfinished. That leaves us with the equivalent of a 900 square foot appartment with a 900 square foot storage locker.

The dirtiest and most time-consuming task was removing loose fill insulation from the attic. Imagine crawling into the corners of an attic with a low, sloping roof, wearing a respirator, so that you breathing sounds like Darth Vader's; reaching with a makeshift rake to pull recycled newspaper covered in chemical fire retardant from the corners. You have been laying on the joists for so long you have 2 -inch bruises across your ribs. The goggles do nothing. The roof above your head is so close that you can feel the rusty nails sticking through scrape along your scalp as you move. Pull it all into a pile and shovel it into a garbage bag.

This was how I spent my evening in October. This was how I listened to the greatest comeback in sports history. It was work so horrible that the only people I could ask to help me were relatives, and even then I felt guilty about paying Michael to do it.

Speaking of Michael, he has a new commercial on the air, which I think is his best to date; better than the dancing tongue or the cup-chasing fisherman. He has already become tired of it, and has begun to pick apart his performance as Beauregard.

PEACE

I feel compelled to observe Remembrance Day because of my grandfather, who spent 4 years on Royal Navy destroyer. Brad and I went down to the Cenotaph for the ceremony, which caused me to get teary-eyed, looking at all the old vets. I think what chokes me up is the selfless sacrifice they made for others they would never meet or know. For that, I am truly grateful.

2004-10-14T20:33:00.000-07:00

It's All in the Breeding

Business-savvy students at my high school's arch rival were caught selling fake $10 bills for $5. Reportedly, some grade 9 and 10 boys unloaded $12,000 of counterfeit bills, mostly on younger students. What an ingeniuos new business! Taking money off intimidated 12 year-olds and sticking them with worthless paper.

The core group has "permanently withdrawn" from the school. I am sure, however, that mainly alumni are secretly admiring the chutzpah of the enterprise; such business creativity at such a young age. The headmaster stated that at least it was for a reasonable purchase: to pay off one student's gambling debts.

2004-10-14T15:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes there is no substitute for "unhealthy" things. i have never found anything to replace butter. Non-chemical cleaners fail to eliminate the mold and filth that accumulates in a bathroom. The "natural" deoderant i have started using offers no protection to others from my offensive odor. I suppose it is a small price to pay for a fresh scent.

Anya and I have been working non-stop on the house we bought in East Van. I go to work , come home and then pull a short shift at the house removing loose fill cellulose insulation from the attic. Feel free to join me, if you have a preference for dirty work in hot, confined spaces.

This made me howl yesterday, but, as Stewart says, it's for all the wrong reasons.

2004-10-12T07:52:00.000-07:00

Man am I tired.

2004-09-30T20:32:00.000-07:00

Bright Ideas, Bold Moves #13

Since my father was the more lenient of my parents, I figured it would be safe to try smoking in my bedroom when my mother was out. I just had to tell my dad I was doing my homework and then close the door. Next, I turned off the lights, opened the window stuck, my head out and lit one up.

I was required only to stick my head out the window and exhale upwards, always holding the cigarette far above the window, because the smoke would simply rise from the scene of my crime. The light was out in case he barged in and asked what I was doing, standing in a dark room by myself. The darkness would give me a split second to toss the cigarette butt into the snow.

When the lights came on , he asked what I was doing perched on the window sill and leaning my head out the window, when I was supposed to be doing my homework.

- I was tired and needed rest my eyes from the light. He was disappointed that this was the best story I could concoct. The smell of cigarettes was suddenly intense, but there was no evidence of smoking. He had nothing, and was furious. He leaned out the window, straining his eyes over the snow to spot the glowing heater, but there was nothing to be found. I had butted out the heater the instant I heard the doorknob turn.

He gave me a lecture that I was an athlete, and not just some guy who smoke, yet I maintained my innocence to the end. I felt that since I had devised a scheme to smoke in my room without producing evidence, I should thus be afforded the presumption of innocence.

2004-09-30T09:36:00.000-07:00

I have long been a fan of Donald Rumsfeld's use of hand gestures. Perhaps the photo editors choose to publish only the photos with outlandish hand gestures, or perhaps Rumsfeld actually gesticulates wildly all the time.

Regardless, his fighting technique is unstoppable, and has now been compiled and revealed.

2004-09-28T07:56:00.000-07:00

As a child, I admired Jimmy Carter, even in his goofy cardigan or crew neck sweater. Having just moved to Vermont when he was President, he was my role model for what a President should be; austere, honest, and hard working.

Soon after I arrived in Vermont, Reagan was elected. Almost overnight, everything changed. The deficit exploded, war was planned for Central America, and interest rates shot up to 18%

Carter disappeared for many years, but has resurfaced as a election observer, most recently observing the elections in Venezuela and Indonesia. He writes a compelling case about why international observers are needed in Florida this November.

The differences between Carter and the neo-con cabal currently in place could not be greater if Carter himself were from a different planet. After office, Carter ran Habitat for Humanity, and devoted himself to resolving conflict and creating peace. He could have devoted himself merely to making money, but he chose to use his power for ends other than making himself wealthier.

This is the type of rich and powerful man I intend to be, as soon as my Super 7 ship comes in; some old codger in dusty overalls and a beat up pickup truck.

2004-09-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

After a 2 year break, I have once again visited Ishkur.com. Back in the day, he was more of an angry young man, but I found his smarty-pants attitude towards the rave scene to be refreshing and amusing. What I thoroughly enjoyed were the rave captions, although they made me embarassed to have ever been a willing participant in that scene. I suppose I loved the site because it exposed the silliness of a huge room of really high people thinking they were on the cusp of achieving something really, really great.

Now he is a better writer, but if you scratch beneath the surface you can still feel the venom.

2004-09-22T20:17:00.000-07:00

Mise au Jour

How many Magnum PI episodes included a voice over by Thomas to the effect of I know what you're thinking, and you're right? Too many, I would say, making the show often predictable, which I worry my blog is becoming. I fear that I start too many sentences with the "I"; I fear worry that the blog is boring. I worry too much.

Monday night I was worrying about how tired I was on my way to the Beastie Boys concert. I was coming down with a cold, I was exhausted from work, and the week promised to be long, painful and emotionally draining. I was actually not looking forward to a night spent in a minor league hockey arena with 12,000 drunk kids.

All my worries melted away once MixMasterMike took the stage. He played a 3 minute set that set the tone for the audience: this would be a party, so get up for it!

The Beastie Boys strutted out to start off with Root Down, followed immediately by Sure Shot. The rest of the night was filled with a few new tracks but mostly with classics, notably Time to Get Ill, Sabrosa, Ricky's Theme, So What'cha Want, Pass the Mic, Paul Revere, and the crowd favorite Brass Monkey. For their first encore they appeared in the stands only 12 rows in front of us to belt out Intergalactic. The show finished with Sabotage, dedicated to George W. Bush.

I ended up getting much sicker because I stayed out late and was stressed out from work, but it was worth it to see Mixmaster Mike scratch in synch with a DVD of Stevie Wonder playing Superstitious.

Find me a German word of the feeling of knowing you have done something that will hurt you but feeling good about it anyway. I suppose rationalization will do.

Speaking of Germans, there is now a radio in Germany that broadcasts in Klingon. Yes, a language created for a television show. I guess there are likely people who speak Orc, or Ewok or even Wookie.

2004-09-20T08:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight we are off to the Beastie Boys, at Pacific Coliseum. This will be my first trip to an "arena" concert since I went to Tool, way back in 2001. I'll have to remember to bring a lighter, so I can hold the flame high when the house lights go down.

I will feel particularly old at the concert, since I'll be attending with my pregnant wife.

2004-09-12T20:19:00.000-07:00

Today I finally finished The Miracle of Castel di Sangro. It was so enjoyable to read that I was actually upset when the book ended. I rank it as the best book about soccer (or football, or calcio or whatever you want to call the beautiful game).

Honorable mentions in that category would include The Football Factory, England Away, Fever Pitch, and Among the Thugs.

It would make a great movie, although I would fear for the author's life.

2004-09-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

Since an NHL season looks unlikely, hockey addicts should jump on the Whale bandwagon early. While millionaire fourth-line journeymen squabble over money with other millionaires, you can enjoy the passion and enthusiasm found in a hard-working 13th division. The Whale are off to a good start this year, but feel they have been put in a division too low for their calibre.

2004-09-10T15:09:00.000-07:00

It appears that little has changed at my alma mater, a haven for those who believe that in vino veritas, and that the more vino, the more veritas. Oh, how we found the truth....

There is one problem with the pictures, as Kerry pointed out; the windows were left intact. If you are going to burn down a house, you might as well break the windows first.

2004-08-31T20:52:00.000-07:00

Admittedly, I am as susceptible to schadenfreude as anyone, but I take particular enjoyment in the demise of the worlds built by pompous liars. The only punishment suitable for Lord Black is the stripping of his title and the repayment of the money, as I don't think anything else means much to him.

It's nice to find Richard Perle's name in there, too.

Flickr

2004-08-09T14:53:00.000-07:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

2004-08-07T09:58:00.000-07:00

July has historically been a month that escapes my memory. Perhaps it's the heat, or my alcohol intake at barbecues, but i can never seem to remember what happened in July, or even that the month has passed. I still start every page in my notebook with "J", before I realize that it is August. I think the real reason is that I tend to do very little in July, or as little as possible.

This July was an exception. I remember almost everything that happened, and there was much: taking a brief vacation to do nothing but having to find a new home in 3 weeks, thus spoiling my plans to do nothing for a week; frantically searching for short term accommodation that will accept pets; frantically searching for long term accommodation that we can afford; spending every night on mls.ca looking for homes and finding nothing but filthy slums for $400,000; securing a temporary home with 1 week before our move-out date (thank you Graeme); travelling to Atlantic City to discover first hand why it is called "Poor Man's Vegas"; finally grinding down the sellers of one property to accept our offer; night after night of packing our belongings; finding a mover that didn't laugh at me over the phone when i asked if they had availability on July 30; moving our belongings into storage; moving the rest of our belongings into our temporary Kits home (thank you David); winning the Mercedes at work (thank you Troy); celebrating our 4th anniversary (thank you Anya!).

Whew. Now I understand why people tell me that I need a vacation.

2004-07-23T20:44:00.000-07:00

Spread Thin

Despite my ease at adopting a routine and settling quickly, I do enjoy making an adventure out of some of the stressful changes one has to endure. Life is either an adventure or it is nothing.

2004-07-18T21:25:00.000-07:00

Things I will miss about living in Yaletown:

Commuting two blocks to get to work
Coming home for lunch
Never using my car except to drive to hockey
Yelling up at Bruce's loft when i need a drink

Things I will not miss:

The noise of SUVs circling, looking for a parking spot that doesn't exist
The stench of fish wafting up from Rodney's dumpster to my balcony
The way everyone checks out their reflection in store windows
Waiting 3 minutes for the light at Davie to change
The scene in front of Urban Fare
The Cactus Club
The mix of cigarettes, vomit and urine that greets me when I step onto the street on a Sunday morning
The incredible lack of green space and shaded areas
Boystown

So yes, Anya and I (and the little one inside Anya) are moving to an as yet undetermined spot on the East side. Somewhere in the vast expanses of East Van is a patch of land for us.

2004-06-22T11:48:00.000-07:00

Only a Fool Would Say That

An unusually stressful and gruelling day reminds me of a certain Steely Dan song:

You do his nine to five
and drag yourself home half alive
and there on the screen
a man with a dream

2004-06-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

Mea Culpa

According to the unwritten rules of hockey, it is unsportsmanlike conduct and is generally in poor taste to stuff the puck in the net at the end of a game which your team has no chance of losing. This applies especially in cases where the opposing players are merely standing on the ice, watching the time expire.

Violation of this rule subjects the offending player to taunts, threats, insults and intimidation.

Unfortunately, there is no way to get a copy of the unwritten rules of hockey.

2004-05-11T19:47:00.000-07:00

Cabbage Town

We're just getting settled after spending the weekend in Toronto, having traveled there for Carrie and George's wedding. It was more like a party than a wedding ceremony, as was fitting for the couple. The reception was held at Steam Whistle brewery, where I was reacquainted with many of my former partners in crime from university. We partied like it was 1992, with much of the same company, but better food and drink,

I was worried that I would be too tired to giv'er that night because we had to wake up at 4:15 am to get our flight, and that I would be going home early. However, the night flew by, and before I knew it, it was 1:30 am, the bar was being closed and we were in a cab on the way to the after party.

Saturday we visited with Scott and Eva, and everyone went out to a Cuban restaurant, where we ate, among many other dishes, ground beef on fried bananas. Sounds vile but tastes divine.

2004-04-29T07:24:00.000-07:00

More from Scott: An Open Letter to William Kristol, Richard Perle, and Bush's other NeoConservative Puppet Masters

Why didn't you tell President Bush to invade Western Australia first? I've been playing Risk: The Game of Global Domination since I was eight years old and never, never have I seen someone win the game by massing their forces in the Middle East at the beginning of the game. Too many borders! Impossible to reinforce! Enemies from all directions! Australia, on the other hand, is easily conquered. Start in Western Australia, make a straight-line march through eastern Australia, then on into New Zealand and New Guinea, and finally up to Siam, sealing the entire continent and guaranteeing an extra two armies per turn for the duration of game. (Ask Secretary Rumsfeld if those would come in handy.) Once in Siam, you can leave the remainder of your provinces virtually unguarded and mass your armies of the Far East to eventually move north into Siberia, Irkutsk and Kamchatka, ultimately overtaking the entire Asian continent (seven extra armies per turn), including, finally, the Middle East. Starting in South America is okay, too, if your brat cousin Ronald refuses to play if he doesn't get to go first, and Africa will do in a pinch if you want to change things up, but you better roll some sixes, mutherfuckers, or you'll be knocked out of the game, which means you're available to do stuff like pick up the dog crap in the backyard, or wax your grandfather's back, "since you're just watching." (Thanks, Mom.) I hear that, after watching President Bush's press conference, Mr. Kristol was "depressed." If he was depressed, think about the rest of us, who weren't part of the shadowy extra-governmental cabal that helped install him in the White House in the first place. The history books will write your epitaphs and they won't be pretty:
"Neoconservatives: A late-twentieth-, early-twenty-first-century American political movement that stressed the supremacy of the American empire, but was too stupid to invade Australia first." Think it over, John Warner

Instant Apologist

2004-04-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

Instant Apologist

From McSweeney's; how to make an instant Friedman column

Party Like It's 1992

2004-04-25T11:35:00.000-07:00

Carrie and George are getting married on May 7th, and I'll be travelling to Toronto to take part in the celebration. It's going to be more like a party than a wedding, I imagine. i lived with Carrie and George on three separate occasions in three very different places. I first shared a house with them in Lennoxville, where we were going to university. Actually, I wasn't really their roomate; my girlfriend was, but I spent most of my time there. When said girlfriend tossed me out, Carrie and George took me into their basement suite in Whistler, which they shared with a Roger Daltrey impersonator. Two years later, through an unexpected turn of events, we were all reunited again in Victoria BC, of all places, although by this time, the Daltrey impersonator had cut his hair.

rogerdaltry
Originally uploaded by andrew s.

Posted by andrew s from Flickr.

2004-04-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

After only a few days in San Francisco, my spirit is revived. I was sent there at the last minute to attend a speaking course, called Talk So People Will Listen. The course itself was fantastic, revealing to me that, yes, I do look like a stiff when I speak.

I didn't have much time to do anything but attend this course and meet up with Chris and Lu aftewards. Just feeling the sunny spring air on my skin made me feel like putting roots down there. We had dinner at Trattoria Contadina, and then rode the cable car back to my hotel.

The next night we watched Project Grizzly and laughed like hyenas at a man trying to build the perfect bear defense suit.

While leaving my hotel the next day, I spotted an enormous man emerging from the lobby. Dressed like Royal Tennenbaum, he wore a beret on his bald head, and carried a massive walking stick with an onyx sphere on the top.

You Can't Keep a Good Kid Down

From What Is Enlightenment

"One time, a student teacher from a predomninantly black school in the Bedford-Stuyvesant section of Brooklyn presented my dad with the test paper of a particularly tough fifth-grader. In every box on the mindless rote exam, the boy had carefully penned "Fuck you" in large, clear letters. My dad's eyes lit up as he said to the young teacher, "This kid hasn't been beaten down by the system yet! There somthing here you can work with!"

2004-04-13T10:02:00.000-07:00

There must be a German word for it, Part 12:
"Sadness inspired from failing restaurants"

From Middlesex

2004-04-12T07:30:00.000-07:00

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.

I am at the office, and the only books I have are work-related. The closest one is The Elements of Style, by William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White. I keep it on my desk for reference.

The fifth sentence on page 23 reads:

"To show what happens when strong writing is deprived of its vigor, George Orwell once took a passage from the Bible and drained it of its blood."

2004-04-02T18:39:00.000-08:00

Irvine Welsh develops his characters by thinking about the following three things:
Where they stay, who they lay, and what they play. I suppose that is how he would measure and identify a person's character in the world of junkie scammers, con-men and corrupt cops that he creates so well.

I like to look at someone's book and music collection when i first walk into their homes. If i don't see any books but a huge TV, i am likely to make some kind of judgement, no matter how hard i try to avoid it.

What I am reading at the momentL

The English
The Party Blonde
Bombardiers
Middlesex

Part of Middlesex takes place during the 1967 Detroit riots, which effectively drove white people from downtown, initiating an urban rot and decay from which the city has not recovered. You can see the results of the decay on this site.

2004-04-01T06:52:00.000-08:00

It's often said that the olfactory senses have the stongest ties to your memory. That is how Adolf Eichmann was captured; by someone recognizing his strong odor. The smell of camphor lip balm remind me of spring skiing and early sunburns, a rite of spring, right up there with a Canadiens-Bruins first round playoff matchup, the Canadiens triumphantly pulling away in the seventh game to take the series, despite being heavily outplayed and outgunned.

Back to spring skiing. Sarah and Nic are on their annual pilgrimage to whistler, and passed through town on their way up the highway. Despite being up for who knows how many hours flying from Johannesburg to London to Vancouver, Nic was able to stay out until 2am on Saturday. We had dinner at Glowbal and then danced till late to the funky house breaks of Ben Watt at Voda.

While waiting for the opening dj to finish his set, Ben sat on a crate in the back with his chin resting on his hand. He looked so bored. But as soon as he took to the decks he came alive, inhaling urgently on the cigarette that dangled from his lips, the heater glowing with each pull.

We hit Whistler Mountain on Monday morning, and it turned into a brilliant spring day. The snow was a bit slushy, but the skies were clear and the air was warm. I realized that Carmex does not have any sun protection factor, and my lips hurt when I ate some wasabe later than night.

Vancouver moment #29

While walking home from Choices, my dog leash in one hand and my rice chocolate chip cookies in the other, I was startled by a screech coming from behind me. I turned back, expecting a kid on a freestyle bike to come racing down the sidewalk. Instead it was a tall thin woman on rollerblades, dragging her heel to navigate around my dog. She carried an iced cappuccino in a plastic cup in her left hand. When she got to Homer street, she turned right and headed down the middle of the road, against the direction of the street. There were film trucks on both sides of the street. She picked up speed and made slalom turns down the middle of the street, right into the headlights of an oncoming car, before her silhouette disappeared between a make-up truck and an RV.

2004-03-23T19:58:00.000-08:00

Bavardage du Weekend

Previously on Schoolboy77: references to the urgency of booking revenue at the end of each fiscal quarter in furtherance of beating stock analysts' expectations.

Please note, these will not be seen again. Don't mistake my stillness for apathy, or my tranquility for inaction. I do what I can. I don't try to change what I can't.

This past weekend I marched, along with 25,000 others in Vancouver to express my opposition to the occupation of Iraq and to militarism in general. As usual, there were people handing out colored flyers for political parties and events from every degree of the spectrum; Ralph Nader, Free Palestine, Communist Party of Canada, the NDP and BC Healthcare Workers. Among the most thought-provoking were the Chemtrail Project and the Work Less Party. I am all for working less. In fact, i used this idea to justify collecting unemployment insurance in Whistler. Although I was perfectly capable of working, I opted to collect UI in order to create a job opening for someone else who did not qualify for UI.

2004-03-10T15:56:00.000-08:00

Robert Fraser has asked me to update this blog.

2004-01-28T08:56:00.000-08:00

If you have not seen this film yet, get to it!

2004-01-26T18:31:00.000-08:00

Just what Canada needs; another rich person who wants to lead the new right-wing party. I don't think the rednecks in Grand Forks or Moose Jaw or the Pas will turn out to support a wealthy woman from Toronto. Nice publicity if you can buy it.

Last night Anya and I watched Y Tu Mama Tambien, which I had been meaning to watch for a long time. I recognized the actor who played Julio, as he was also in Amores Perros. Lately I have become fond of saying "Amores Perros" to lovesick co-workers. According to the DVD box, it means "love's a bitch". The film, however, is about 3 interrelated stories centering on love, loss, and dogs.

I am coming down with something. I need more time in the day to do nothing, which I am going to do right now.

2003-12-16T20:15:00.000-08:00

Ambrose Bierce wrote that "a novel is a short story padded". I am beginning to think he was referring to my latest project, which seems to have no point and no end in sight. I am barely into the first year of a 7-year history and already I am busting at 119 pages.

I was approached on the street by a volunteer from Amnesty International. She asked me if I had some time. I rudely walked on and muttered "No". No time? I thought about that. I had no time, but I came home, had a 30 minute nap, and then watched 10 minutes of the Simpsons before walking Shrub.

2003-12-08T19:50:00.000-08:00

The New York Times is really starting to annoy me, and not just for the Sunday Style section. During their Week in Review, they published an article titled Discount Nation: Is Wal-Mart Good for America?. The writer quotes several proponents of Wal-Mart's efficiency, which makes us wonder what we ever did without Wal-Mart. The author does not quote a single opponent of Wal-Mart, and not because they are difficult to find. The best they can do to appear balanced is to quote a professor from Howard University, who isn't sure whether it is bad or not.

As if that were not enough to anger me on Sunday morning, The New York Times Magazine puts some co-ed on its cover with the title The Dean Swarm, in an effort to make Dean look like another McGovern; a hopelessly idealistic candidate who appeals only to lovesick college kids.

Every week I consider cancelling my subscription.

2003-12-06T19:34:00.000-08:00

2003-12-05T08:26:00.000-08:00

I am probably late in the game here, but if this helps one person, then I'll have done my part.

2003-12-03T20:30:00.000-08:00

Vancouver Moment #29

West End, July 2003

There was a group of them at the west end of English Bay, on the last stretch of grass before the path goes up the hill and you enter Stanley Park. They were all well into their 40s, and the dozen or so of them sat cross legged on the grassy slope, facing the guitarist. Each of them had some form of percussion instrument; finger cymbals, bongos, congas, even some tiny home made disco balls with perhaps rice in them, that a few of them were shaking to the beat.

The guitarist got into his groove. He too was in his late 40s, and he looked like you standard issue BC civil servant; greying beard, cheap sunglasses, new-age clothes left over from the 80s. He began to sing just as we were walking by.

Used to work
Used to drive my car

We had passed by him by the time he got to the next verse, but the words stuck with me, because they so aptly described the singer and his audience. Yes, he used to work in some office job, commuting from the suburbs into the city, or even worse, from one suburb to another suburb. And he drove. He drove everywhere to get to anything.

Now, safely ensconced in the West End, he didn't need to drive, and he could probably get away with not working for someone else by doing tarot card readings or making quilts. In this way he connected immediately with his audience, who either "used to work", or dream of the day they can check out to the Gulf Islands.

I wanted to stay and listen to more, but Anya, having grown up here and known these types all her life just wanted to move on. Now everytime I see your standard BC issue aging hippie, I have to sing used to work.

Happy Birthday Chris

It is my friend Chris's 33rd birthday today. When I called him to wish him happy birthday, he was at home from work with a cold, and playing his guitar. It reminded me of the time that he stayed home sick from high school so he could fix the pickups on his electric guitar. His parents were away, so his older brother Dave wrote a sick note to the principal which he signed:
Yours in Christ,
David

2003-12-01T07:35:00.000-08:00

10 Years Ago Today

Whistler, December 1, 1993

In order to pay my December rent, I had to sell my 1974 Volvo to my older brother. He had no license, but that didn't faze him, as he had $400 and a dream of getting to the mountain on time. I insured the car under my name, but passed the keys to him.

He slipped me four $100 bills outside the North Shore Credit Union in Whistler Village, three of which I passed immediately to my roommate who collected the rent, and also worked as a teller at the Credit Union. It was snowing heavily, so the mood in town was light and jovial. Now I needed to break the $100 bill so I could get change to take the bus home.

2003-11-29T18:53:00.000-08:00

How to Cross the Street, Montreal Style

Having grown up in the North America’s most European city, I had to endure North America’s most European drivers. Montreal boasts the most aggressive, dangerous and pedestrian-hating drivers in Canada. However, this hard upbringing allowed me to develop my tried and true method for navigating Vancouver’s streets.

First, a disclaimer. I am all for the smooth flow of traffic, which requires that pedestrians occasionally must cede priority to vehicles. If I cross against the light, or in the middle of a street, or anywhere other than a marked crosswalk, I fully realize that vehicles have the right of way. I recommend this crossing technique for marked crosswalks without a stoplight.

Make eye contact. The first thing you must do is prove to the driver that you, the pedestrian, do in fact exist. Cars are marketed as extensions of ourselves, and many drivers feel their cars are their own private world, with their own music and climate, and whatever happens “out there” is merely a distraction. If you want to cross the street, you must get drivers to acknowledge your existence. Do this by stepping off the curb a few strides, and staring at the driver in the oncoming car. Most of the time you won’t be able to see their eyes, so just stare wherever you think their eyes will be. Stare intently, like you want to make something of it.

After you have stared for perhaps two seconds, start walking out towards center of the street. Do not take your eyes off the driver! This is the moment where the car must cede the right of way to you. The driver will see that it is a crosswalk, and that yes, when it is occupied, they must reluctantly give right of way to you, but they will be looking for hesitation, thinking that you won’t mind if they buzz through and the car behind them stops.

Continue walking out into the street, staring at the driver. By now you should be able to see him. As long as he is looking at you it is unlikely he will run you over, even if it a cab driver. Turn your head towards them as you walk out in front, just to maintain that you are the one in charge here, and remind them it is they who are yielding.

You should be in the middle of the street by the time they slow down. At this point, raise your arm closest to the slowing vehicle and turn your palm towards the driver. Your arm should be bent 90 degrees at the elbow, making a gesture that is combination friendly wave and policeman order to stop. Once you make this gesture, take your eyes off the driver, but keep your hand up, just to remind them that you are the one in control.

There is a lot of paperwork involved in running over a pedestrian. The driver will likely have to submit to a breathalyzer, the car may be searched, and a criminal record check will be done. While clearly it is more of a hassle to be killed or seriously injured by a car (as happened to 3000 people in Vancouver last year), it is enough of life-changing event for a driver to deter them from running you down like a dog. Remember this, and use it to your advantage. They don’t want to kill you, they just want you to let them through before you cross. Don’t give them this.

2003-11-26T20:42:00.000-08:00

I have been run off my feet since last Thursday, and haven't had time to catch up with anyone until tonight.

Saturday night Anya and I went out to Delilah's to celebrate her birthday, then down to the Lotus Sound Lounge to see Jon Delerious. Danced all night until 430am, which is a perfectly civllized time to wind up things at a bar or club. Not so, say some citizensof our uptight city.

We watched the Trial of Henry Kissinger on Monday. Having studied as a youth his impact on the world, it was not possible for me to have more contempt for the man than I already did. That was what made reading the book so difficult. It felt strange that I was not even shocked.

Not exactly uplifting material and unlikely to revive your faith in humanity, it is however required viewing, as an example of what can happen when power goes unchecked.

2003-11-22T18:05:00.000-08:00

There is a wedding ceremony taking place in the vacant room next to our apartment. Originally planned as a fitness room, its only function now is to serve as our strata council meeting room. The wedding was supposed to take place outside, the father of the bride told me, but it was too cold. It’s November 22. Go figure.

Lots of “woo-hoos” and “okay just one more” and “ready, cheese” coming through the walls.

While it is unusually cold for Vancouver, it is nowhere near as cold as it is in Edmonton, where Rob and Derek are watching the Heritage Classic. The Habs and the Oilers are both wearing their old jerseys tonight, Montreal with its classic lace up neck.

Just before leaving, Derek sent me the worst hockey logos of all time. The bad, the ugly and the just plain bewildering.

And this via Michael Moore. I always suspected the existence of such people, so I am glad it is finally being discussed in the mainstream media.

2003-11-19T19:48:00.000-08:00

Merv sighting…..

I first met Merv when I was helping Rob move some of his belongings into Maple Leaf Storage on Mainland Street. Merv’s job was to manage their storage warehouse, which did not seem to take much effort. People moved their belongings in, paid Merv the money, and then came back some later date to move them out. He was an amicable fellow, and spent most of the time sitting on the loading dock smoking cigarettes, with his legs dangling over the concrete loading bay.

He spoke with a real hoser accent of someone who had lived their whole life in British Columbia and had probably never left. Recalling a Simpson episode which showed people Lionel Hutz living in a storage locker, I asked him if people ever tried to live in the lockers.
“All da time. Soon as I find out, I tell him you got 45 minutes to get out or I’ll call da boys in blue.”

I asked him why there was a public storage facility sitting on such valuable land. He said the owner just wanted to hold on until he could get more money for it. They had been offered $45 million for it but were holding out for more.

A year later our office moved right across the street from Maple Leaf Storage, so I could see Merv, on sunny days, sitting on the loading dock smoking.

In October, the warehouse was torn down. Would I ever see Merv again? I did this morning. He was sitting outside of Starbucks in Yaletown, smoking, telling a homeless man with a shopping cart that he had won $50,000 in the lottery just 2 weeks ago.

2003-11-16T21:09:00.000-08:00

I am getting so sick of the New York Times that I am considering cancelling my subscription. It's great for keeping in touch with what opinions are being formed by the opinion-forming classes, but as far as actual real news is concerned, it misses the story.

2003-11-16T21:07:00.000-08:00

Fortunately for the fans of the montreal canadiens here on the west coast, Saturday night’s Soiree du Hockey always shows les Tricouleurs, thanks to the required bilingual broadcast of our state run broadcasting agency. This means you never have to worry that you'll be stuck watching the Toronto Maple Leafs, because you can always watch the Habs in French.

Even though the game was on in both English and French, I decided to watch it in French, just to keep my skills sharp. The struggling Canadiens were playing the mighty Senators, and the Radio-Canada annonceurs had outlined the three keys for a Canadiens victory:

Discipline
Payer le prix devant le filet
60 minutes de hockey

Very basic goals, even without the second one, translated literally as “pay the price in front of the net.”

2003-11-08T16:04:00.000-08:00

my hands are so cold from the appartment being 15 degrees. It's not like i don't have heating, or enough money to turn the heat up as high as i want, but the place has been so damn cold lately. i have been in this place for 3 hours now, tapping away on this keyboard, and i think i have been slowly freezing my extremities.

2003-11-08T16:02:00.000-08:00

I have not written anything in here because things have gotten so damn depressing since august. Not in my life really, but in the state of the world. But enough about that.

Due to my oversize monitor and our smaller apartment, I have to store my desktop computer in our storage locker. There’s just no room for it up here. Oh, and for a while I had no computer as it was packed up or in storage. Shortly after I moved in I went on vacation. And so I was away from the computer for a long time.

The only thing worthwhile on my 4 year old computer is the mp3 collection, which was getting quite large until this summer. So I have no access to them, and I haven’t bought a cd in years. Tonight I bought my first CD in what must be a year:

Pete Rock, Petestrumental. This is what I have always been looking for in hip hop. All instrumental with funky but subtle bass lines. I guess ‘subtle’ hip hop would be the best way to describe.

I also picked up Air Farina. However when I got home and unwrapped it, the CD case was empty. I wonder how often that happens, that mistakes just happen out there on the manufacturing lines of Asia.

They will make you anything over there. Mark tells me that you can show them any shape of anything and tell them you want it made out of frozen cat food the next morning and they will do it.

Feeling good right now about everything.

I think the tide is finally turning.

2003-10-31T12:45:00.000-08:00

Brain Fog

My brain is covered in a fog right now, which protects me from doing anything too strenuous, but I have to run a team meeting in 1 hour and i honestly have no idea what I am going to talk about for an hour.

2003-08-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

So That's Why They Call it Silicon Alley

I am in the midst of moving from the West End to Yaletown, right next to this place. It will lkely be a difficult adjustment going from a neighborhood full of gay men to a neighborhood that seems to flourish with surgically enhanced women.

While getting my hair cut there last week, I was astounded by the number of women who walked by the salon with the most ridiculously large implants. I mean, who do they think they are kidding? Who are they trying to impress? Who pays for these? Where do these women come from?

A 20-year old girl sat in the station next to me. She could was about 5'6 and could not have weighed more than 110 lbs, but her chest was a D-cup that defied gravity. They were practically pointing at the ceiling. I asked the hair stylist about these women, if she knew any of them, and perhaps if she knew what they did with their lives besides yoga and pilates. Apparently they work in retail and live 3 to a one-bedroom in one of the "live it, love it, rent it" appartment complexes. The breasts are merely an investment, either for a husband or the stage.

However, I can't slag these people too much, as they are my future tenants.

2003-08-18T12:12:00.000-07:00

From Hanging Day: Can you tell the difference?

2003-08-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

There are a few books I have that I am always re-reading; occasionally picking it up and reading my favorite passages. One friend has remarked on this odd habit, and considers it useless.

Reading something that inspires you is so much more rewarding than reading fresh lines that mean nothing to you.

It is not a coincidence that the books I reread the most are all by mordecai richler. I was exposed to him in Grade 11 with The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz. Being a Montrealer I was immediately hooked on his acidic wit and his uncanny ability to perfectly summarize montreal, or any other subject, in a short paragraph.

Richler left Montreal for London in 1953, and figured he would never return to that drab provincial backwater called Canada. Yet after moving to London, he says he was never able to let go of Canada, and his identity as a Canadian. Despite spending six months a year in London, he continued to write about Canadian issues, weighing in for opinion when it really was needed.

My favorite Richler passage is from Solomon Gursky Was Here, in which he provides a pinpoint description of the Eastern Townships.

Moses immediately struck out for the 91. He drove through New Hampshire and Vermont, to Quebec’s Eastern Townships, crossing the border at Highwater. Wet slippery leaves lay scattered everywhere on the Quebec side, the bare trees already black and brittles. BIENVENUE. Even if the border had been unmarked, Moses would have known that he was back in the townships. Penury advertised. Suddenly the road was rippled and cracked, and he had to swerve to avoid potholes. Rusting pickup trucks, bashed and abandoned, cannibalized years ago, lay in the tall grass and goldenrod, here and there. Sinking barns rotted in the fields. Small mills, which had once manufactured bobbins - employing eight of the locals – chewing their fingers, were shuttered. In lieu of elegant little signs directing you to the ivy covered Inn on Crotched Mountain, or the Horse and Hound, originally built as a farmhouse in 1860, there were roadside CANTINES, with tarpaper roofs, proclaimed by a stake in the ground OPEN/OUVERT, and offering Hygrade hot dogs and limp greasy pommes frites made of frozen potatoes. There were no impeccably appointed watering holes, where the aging bartender, once Clean for Gene, would offer you a copy of Mother Jones with your drink. However, you could pull in at “Mad Dog” Vachon’s and knock back a Molson’s, maybe stumble on a tree-week-old copy of Allo Police. Or the Venus di Milo, where scantily clad pulpy waitresses from Chicoutimi or Sept Iles stripped and then sank to a bare stage to simulate masturbation, protected against splinters by a filthy flannel sheet.

Despite his criticism of Canada, Richler loved it. He admitted late in life that in spite of all his frustration with Canada, he could never completely leave it.

This seems to be the problem with two conservative writers from Canada who have left but cannot stop criticizing it. Mark Steyn and David Frum never waste an opportunity to diss the land they left. They remind me of guys who can’t stop talking about the ex-girlfriend they hate, but they can’t seem to let it go. They both left because there was no audience for their conservative views in Canada, likely due to the fact that no one wants to read a column that tells the reader how poor, unproductive and doomed they are. Steyn has branched out to host his own website of ranting in defense of Bush and his neocon cabal. Frum continues in the same vein, though closer to the witches den than Steyn, as part of the National Review.

2003-07-23T19:37:00.000-07:00

Back in Ohio, or as I call it, the O-dot. However, Ohio does not lend itself well to hip buzzwords applied by software sales representatives. Let's just leave it as Ohio then.

I spent the weekend in Toronto, with John and Daphne
Speaking of good friends, I finally saw Jamie, my old high school trouble-making friend, and Barb, his code-punching girlfriend. I had not seen them since my wedding 3 years ago. Jamie kept quoting Platoon at every chance: "Cocksucker fell asleep!"

Blue Chemise Cheese

Why do all sales guys dress the same? I have talked about this before, but spending 2 days in a room with 200 of them is more than I can bear. That must be the reason they all get wasted immediately after the event.

And the PowerPoint presentations. Christ on the everloving cross, can you really call reading off a slide a presentation? All I ask is that you are able to speak clearly and intelligently without reading the slide. I can read it myself. Why don't you sit down and play music while I read it? That would probably make it easier for you.

2003-07-17T13:04:00.000-07:00

While trodding to work one morning last Monday, I noticed a woman getting out of a pimped-out Dodge pickup truck. She had long hair, and an attractive physique made visible by her tight nylon tearaways and cropped t-shirt. I immediately wondered why she was getting out of a parked truck at 6:30am on a Monday morning in the West End. It wasn't until I saw her boyfriend or companion get out of the truck that I realized she was either a stripper or a working girl.

He had the signature Vancouver pimp/bouncer/drug dealer look: shaved head, goatee, steroid-induced massive upper body constrained in a black tank top. His gigantic arms were covered in tattoos.

Since it was Monday, they must have been partying all night, and were now heading back to their friend's apartment for a little come down. Or perhaps they were going to shoot a porn video in the apartment. Their friend was holding open the lobby door, a big smile on her slack, boozy face.

It occurred to me how far removed I am from these people, and also how close I was to them at one brief point my life. Not that I was hanging out with strippers and their bouncer/dealer boyfriends, but I was definitely a few degrees less removed than I am now.

Of course they didn't notice white-collar guy walking up the street. I still can't believe how big his arms were.

2003-07-08T20:57:00.000-07:00

During a day of time-wasting surfing, this made me laugh.

2003-07-08T20:50:00.000-07:00

Only 240 years late! Bush is really on top of current issues. Next he will be condemning robber barons getting rich in tulip futures.

2003-07-08T20:48:00.000-07:00

When someone gets fired or laid off at our company, my coworkers and I refer to it as "getting the bullet", as in "did you hear that so and so got the bullet?". It originated with a district manager, who was asked by one of his direct reports to describe exactly what he was good at it. The manager hitched up his elastic-waist jeans and replied, "I am good at closin' business and giving people the bullet."

Over time this expression evolved from "getting the bullet" to "getting the mullet", in the way that words and phrases are morphed by young men with nothing better to do than flip around letters and sounds in between bong hits.

Rob suggested that when someone "gets the mullet", they should be forced to come back to the head office and wear a fake mullet wig. While he takes a more hard-lined approach than I, it would be funny to watch these fallen sales gods return to the head office for the walk of shame in a bad haircut.

I had a mullet once, for about 2 hours. This was before I had ever heard of the term mullet, when I simply called that style "hockey hair". I was attending the wedding of my girlfriend's brother in their home town of Orillia, Ontario, where they told me I spoke pretty good english for someone from Quebec.

My girlfriend was afraid I would get myself a bad haircut from the stoners that cut my hair in Whistler, so she had an appointment booked for me in Orillia. I told her before the appointment that they would probably be naturally inclined to give me hockey hair. My instructions to the stylist were clear: the back must be short, indeed it must be as short or shorter than the sides. She nodded and began cutting.

When she was done, it appeared that she had just avoided giving me a mullet. I ran my fingers through the wet hair to test the length in the back. While it was not a great haircut, it would have to do. I was, after all, in Orillia. I paid for the haircut and left. It was hot outside, and by the time we had returned to her house, the hair had dried, and my thick mane had sprouted into a mullet.

2003-07-04T21:04:00.000-07:00

Scott sent me this article about how Bush & Co. are using sophistry and rhetoric to instill Americans with a sense of fear, uncertainty and doubt. Even today, on Independence Day (Happy Independence Day to all my American friends) he speaks not of the founding fathers' struggle and triumph against an imperial power, but of impending doom. To listen to him you would think the barbarians were marching up Pennsylvania Avenue. All he ever talks about is an impending terrorist attack, preventable only by his ability and willingness to strike out at any regime he wants. Just trust me.

"The enemies of America plot against us... We will act, whenever it is necessary, to protect the lives and the liberty of the American people."

Just what does this mean? Of course your enemies plot against you, but it doesn't mean they are sitting in bunkers planning to attack the Super Bowl. This kind of vague statement is Bush's trademark, and allows him the luxury of telling the truth while not committing to do anything but wage war. The US is so superior militarily, no other country or group can threaten the "liberty of the American people".

While I imagine this photo will be censored in the US, the BBC chose not to edit Bush's pit stains.

I was in the fitness room at work today when some developer almost set me off. CNN was on the TV we have in the room, muted so that the CC streamer runs along the bottom. There was some military official going on about the potential for an attack on Independence Day celebrations in Washington DC.

This needed to go. The fewer people that watch CNN the better. I changed the channel just as the developer was getting on the elliptical trainer.
"Oh, can you turn it this way a bit so I can see?” Sure, I switched the angle for him.
"What channel are you changing it to?”

"Anything but CNN" I said.

"Could you be more vague?" he answers without looking up.

Excuse me, who the fuck does this guy think he is? Some developer punk straight out of university is giving me attitude about changing the channel from CNN. I think about what I am going to say next, because not everyone has views as radical as mine (they are not even that radical, but times are tough).
"How does CBC Newsworld sound?” I ask him.

Again, he answers without looking up. “You think CBC will be less depressing than CNN?"

"At least it's true." I walk away.

He proceeds to sweat all over the elliptical machine, eliminating any desire I had to ever use it.

2003-06-27T10:03:00.000-07:00

One of my most avid readers, if not the only avid reader, mentioned to me yesterday that he reads this blog about twice a week, "which is more often that it is updated". Suddenly I felt bad about letting down my audience and about not giving them enough.

I immediately came up with the excuse that "nothing is really happening", and I was reminded of the scene in Adaptation, where the character Robert McKee lambasts Nicolas Cage for thinking that nothing really happens in the world. "What planet are you living on!!" he screams. Every day people are raped and murdered, they fall in love and are betrayed. There is so much going on that the problem is choosing what to use.

So, with that as my inspiration, I give you my weekly update:

Report Magazine has finally died, striking a blow to right-wing fanatics all over western Canada. The magazine had hoped to spread into Canada the shift to the right of mainstream politics that occurred in the US during the 1990s. It succeeded only in preaching to the converted about the evils of liberalism, the need to integrate into the United States, and the usual right wing hack agenda.

David Frum eulogizes it on the blow to the conservative mvement in Canada. Gee David, I wonder why this never caught on in Canada. Could it be that we are different from right wing Americans and like it that way?

Is it possible to revoke his citizenship?

Jeffrey Simpson must have read his eulogy and felt compelled to kick them while they were down.
The last time I saw it was in a Save On Foods in Penticton. Eminem was on the cover with the headline "All You Need Is Hate".

My brother Michael was picked to play the part of a giant tongue in a Hi-C commercial. I had no idea they still made Hi-C, but apparently, they do.

2003-06-20T08:09:00.000-07:00

Women Who Do Yoga

I see them every day on my coffee break, which is now just a walk break since I quit drinking coffee 2 weeks ago. They walk into Yaletown around 9am, with their coffees in one hand and their yoga mat bags in the other, dressed in the latest Lululemon fashions. Often they are yammering away on their mobile phones, probably to other idle women, about what to do after yoga. Shopping? Lunch? They need something to fill the time between yoga, working out, and pilates.

Yaletown is full of these people; all image, no substance. Who is footing the bill for their lifestyle I wonder? I can only assume it is some guy working in one of the office towers downtown, or prowling Yaletown in his Escalade, searching for a parking space close to Cioppino's. What amazes me is how hard they work at creating the image despite the transparency of it all. Vancouver ain't New York, but a lot of people think that if they act rich, they will be rich.

Then there is the coke dealer with the 64 impala. He works so hard to advertise that he is man of leisure, except when he is doing drug deals. Isn't the point to hide what you are doing when you're in that business?

2003-06-16T21:30:00.000-07:00

Hey Fuckhead!

Are you the man that honked at me on Davie St last Friday? Yes, you remember. It was around 630am on a splendid summer morning. Hardly any traffic at that hour, but you must have been so hurried and so important, perhaps you even had to get to a conference call with an important client, maybe even an important American client.

So you had to honk at me. At first I didn't think you were honking at me. What could I have done? Riding my bike happily in the left hand lane was no reason for honking. I have to ride in the middle of the lane, as that is the only way to get respect from cars, and not get pushed into the gutter.

This, apparently, is new to you, and you brand new Toyota Echo. So you pulled up close to me and said "You're not a bike, eh bud?" I don't know if it was a question or a statement. I think the "eh" means "what i have just said is true, is it not?", so i'll treat it as a question.

Normally my first response would be "Fuck you motherfucker", a reaction that has been drilled into my synapse from years of defensive cycling in this city. However, as i was still blissed out and zen-like from my yoga the night before, I calmly said, "you need to respect me like a car. You need to treat me like a car."

To which you replied "Fuck you".

Ouch. I was so hurt that my calm approach failed, and I almost went to work in a bad mood.

Okay, i was in a bad mood at work, but that was only because i was suffering from caffeine withdrawal.